| things change |
[Aug. 15th, 2007|01:11 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
so, I came to check on my friends and realized it's been forever since I posted. I've been in Lex. for the past month it seems like with my sister. She's out of the hospital now and at home finally. I love that kid so much, I'd do just about anything to make her happy and better. My husband has been gone for 2 and a half weeks now. I really miss him. But this is just the beginning. He is in Missouri going through basic training. He'll be doing that until Oct. 12th, that's his Basic training graduation. But then he stays there for another seven weeks doing AIT, his career training. So I really don't get to have him home with me until the beginning of Dec.Then we get two weeks here, then it's off to wherever he gets stationed. It's gonna be weird being away from home, but good at the same time. We need a new start. I'm excited to start our new life together. But my worry is Iraq. I hope and pray he doesn't go, but my real world self is telling me that he more than likely will and it already scares me. I know that I'm strong and can get through it, but I don't think I'd do so great if anything ever happened to him. Of course I know that God will watch over him, it's just tough to think about, and I just keep telling myself that there is a chance, a very small chance, but a chance none the less that he won't have to go. But either way, I'm just happy to finally know that I love my husband unconditionally and with everything I am, and know that he's the one for me. After almost losing that, it finally made me realize how much I do love him and need him in my life. It's been a crazy year, but I definately lived it to it's fullest. |
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| wow |
[Apr. 5th, 2007|10:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
umm, so no one posts on here anymore except like Brandi, that's kool. I really feel so lost right now. I feel close to God, but lost in every other sense of the word. My world fell apart during what felt like one week. Actually it felt more like one day. I left for a week on a mission trip to come back to what was for sure not home. I still am struggling somewaht to make sense of this whole mess. Most days I'm fine, but there are still those some days specially when I'm alone, that I just feel so lost and hurt deeply. In those times I'm the most confused. and I still don't understand why someone would claim to change yet let their actions show something completely different. I see comments on myspace, find things out through different ways, I can't get away from this as fast as I want. I knew it was going to be hard after the initial shock, but I had just hoped it would've been a lil easier than what it truly is. I'm getting through this slowly, but I am making it, I will make it. |
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| blarg |
[Mar. 5th, 2007|08:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
whatever happened to what used to be? |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 8th, 2006|04:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
Here I Go Again -- Casting Crowns
Father, hear my prayer
I need the perfect words
Words that he will hear
And know they're straight from You
I don't know what to say
I only know it hurts
To see my only friend slowly fade away
So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life
With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear is tearing at my words
What am I so afraid of?
'Cause here I go again
Talkin' bout the rain
And mulling over things that won't live past today
And as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance to tell him that
You love him
But here I go again,
Here I go again
Lord, You love him so, You gave Your only Son
If he will just believe; he will never die
But how then will he know what he has never heard
Lord he has never seen mirrored in my life
CHORUS:
So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life
With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear is tearing at my words
What am I so afraid of?
'Cause here I go again
Talkin' bout the rain
And mulling over things that won't live past today
And as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance to tell him that
You love him
But here I go again,
This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him
This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him
You love him, You love him
What am I so afraid
What am I so afraid
What am I so afraid of?
How then will he know
What he has never heard |
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| empty |
[Aug. 8th, 2006|03:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
A Prayer For My Friend -- Casting Crowns
Lord I lift my friend to You.
I've done all that I know to do.
I lift my friend, to You.
In complicated circumstances
with clouded view.
Lord I lift my friend up to You.
I fear that I won’t have the words
that he needs to hear.
I pray for Your wisdom , oh God.
And a heart that's sincere.
And Lord I lift my friend up
to You.
Lord I lift my friend to You.
Though he's my best friend in the
world, I know he means much
more to You.
I want so much to help him, but
this is something he has to do.
Lord I lift my friend up to You.
There's a way that seems so right to him.
But You know where that leads.
He's becoming a puppet of the world.
Too blind to see the strain.
And Lord I lift my friend up to You.
Lord I lift my friend to You.
I've done all that I know to do.
I lift my friend, to You. |
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| forever gone |
[Aug. 2nd, 2006|05:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
I miss the old days, the way things used to be. I miss all my friends and how we all used to be. I love now, getting married and Gabs and my UC friends. But high school was good for me, early high school. Besides getting myself into situations I should have never been in due to possible rape/murder, it was great. Hanging out chilin, Everyone being at sleepovers and birthdays. I wish I knew what happened to make it all go away. I hate blaming things on growing up, cuz thats just to frickin done, everyone blames everything on growing up and I'm not gonna, cuz people can fight the statistics, me and some of my friends have, we're still in touch. But it's not the same, never will be. |
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| lightning |
[May. 11th, 2006|11:29 am] |
| You Are Lightning | 
Beautiful yet dangerous
People will stop and watch you when you appear
Even though you're capable of random violence
You are best known for: your power
Your dominant state: performing |
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| as the storm comes |
[May. 11th, 2006|11:19 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | teddy geiger | ] |
So, I'm sitting in the office looking outside as the sky grows darker, the clouds restless, and the wind faster, and it reminds me how much I love storms, even as dangerous as it may be I love watching funnel clouds, something about it jsut draws me in to the craziness of it all. As stupid as it may sound I think maybe the reason I love storms and funnel clouds so much is because its of mirror to my soul. The same thing that goes on during a thunderstorm or tornado, the craziness, danger, darkness, and unpredictability of it all, is always inside me. I am a stable person and loads of fun, but on the inside there's a storm brewing and growing stronger everyday. Between my parents, sister, idiotic uncle and his family, and everything else that could contribute has and made the storm. I miss just hangin with my friends which I never get to do anymore, I miss being younger and not havin to worry about anything. I think about what I'm gonna do with my life, I mean I'm here doing the college thing, but why? What am I trying to accomplish, I have no field of study, no major. I think about doing psychology because I love figuring out how things work and why, specially when it comes to a persons actions. That's one of the most interesting things in life. I also often think about going into education, I mean seriously, who wouldn't want a job where you have weekends and summers off, and holidays, and snow days. It's like the greatest job ever from that point of view, and I love little kids, BUT could I seriously be trusted to teach children what they need to know, to give them the knowledge they need to succeed in life, that is the scary aspect of the job, being intrusted with a childs mind to teach it what it needs and do it RIGHT. That part makes me think maybe I couldn't do it.I don't know what I'll do or when I'll figure it out, I've been praying about it, but I still don't know. I also just want my friends back, even though I know they didn't go anywhere literally, it still seems that way, we never do anything, we hardly even talk. I know my friends are there for me and they know I'm here for them, because that is one thing I do good, I'm the best friend that you'll ever have, no matter what I stand strong beside you through everything, that I can do, that I do not doubt myself on, if I can do anything good it's be a friend. Even though we don't talk as much when we do it's like no time has passed. I don't doubt my friendships, just wish we had more time. I miss the days of goofing off during basketball season, sneaking past open classrooms trying not to get caught by mrs.linares. hanging in mr.keeps class way more than just our own class period. Random wal-mart trips, cruising in London in the mustang blasting random old music that should not ever be blasted like Britney Spears, and getting the crazy looks that people in their right mind would give you, but doing it just for that reason. Ahh, the good times, haha. Sharpies, Cheesecake, and nalulavish nuts, what a mix haha.
~Kristen Nicole~ |
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| what is wrong with me? |
[Apr. 1st, 2006|06:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
why is it that nothing in my life can possibly go right? I ponder over this very question most everyday of my life. Because life is not spose to be like this. I'm spose to get married to a guy who has NOT been married before, have no worries about his ex and their life together, have my wedding in the beautiful church that is just like the one I've always dreamed about getting married in, becky and charlie are spose to be there TOGETHER watching my wedding take place, my parents are spose to be there and actually in love, my grandma is spose to be there helping me stay sane and telling me how proud she is and that she loves me but most importantly BE THERE ALIVE, my sister is spose to be able to share this with me and be my best friend and maid of honor there by my side through it all, and after the wedding I'm spose to move into the house that I want to live in and that I love.
That is how it's spose to be, but of course nothing even close to the things in that paragraph will ever happen for me. I love my family, and I thank God for His blessings and the time he gives me each day He lets me live. I keep telling myself that something is going to go right, that my life isn't really all that bad, and I know my life isn't that bad, someone always has it worse than you and I know that, but I can't help wanting something better. And on top os all the things in that sentence, I'm scared. I am so incredibly scared of everything. I'm scared I'll be a bad wife, that I'll be an even worse mother, if I getto be a mother. Cuz that, my friends, is the beautiful kicker, I'm scared to death of having the ultrasound that I have to have Tuesday. My side has never hurt this bad, and I'm just so wierd right now, I'm so down all the time, and I get so hot and then it'll go away, and I'll be the only one so hot. And all of this scares me, I joke about waiting til I'm like 30 or 40 b4 having kids, or never having them, but it's jokes, I love kids and I want to have a kid so bad it hurts, I know that I need to wait til after school and stuff, and that's fine, but if they tell me something's wrong then I'll break, I won't know what todo, it will crush me, it will be the final straw. I can't handle that, I don't want adopted kids, I want to be fat and crazy for 9 months as horrible as it will be and feel that life inside of me , and I want to rush to the hospital and give birth to a beautiful baby that I helped create. I want that, and I need that at some point in my life. The possibility of not getting it scares me more than almost anything on earth. but I'm done for now, see-yas.
~Kristen Nicole~ |
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| quiz junk |
[Mar. 27th, 2006|06:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sore | ] |
| Your Five Variable Love Profile | 
Propensity for Monogamy:
Your propensity for monogamy is medium.
In general, you prefer to have only one love interest.
But it's hard for you to stay devoted for too long!
There's too much eye candy to keep you from wandering.
Experience Level:
Your experience level is high.
You've loved, lost, and loved again.
You have had a wide range of love experiences.
And when the real thing comes along, you know it!
Dominance:
Your dominance is low.
This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced.
You know a relationship is not about getting your way.
And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom.
Cynicism:
Your cynicism is high.
Sure you believe in love, but you know it doesn't come easily.
You scoff at "love at first site" and "soumates."
You rather take the real thing, as unglamorous as it is.
Independence:
Your independence is medium.
In relationships, you need both "me time" and "we time."
You usually find it easy to be part of a couple.
But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered. |
| You're an Passionate Kisser | 
For you, kissing is about all about following your urges
If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story
You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses
A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble |
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| screw it all |
[Mar. 13th, 2006|06:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | numb | ] |
love is a crock, people make life hard, I've lost all control of my life, and don't expect to get it back, what happens when all you CAN do to respond is smile and say how you'll be there and are happy, but when all you WANT to do is scream for as long as you can, then when you can't possibly scream anymore go beat something ( not someone ) but something, until you have lost all strength, then go fall on a bed and lie there as long as possible thinking maybe after all of that you'll feel better, but in all reality not only can you not do that, but deep down you know that wouldn't make you feel better anyway so it would be a waste of energy anyway. see-yas
~Kristen Nicole~ |
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| leave the past where it belongs |
[Feb. 20th, 2006|10:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
this just in once a cheat NOT always a cheat. I know I did things in my past that I shouldn't have done but I realize that, I've apologized for that and I've done everything in my power to overcome it, but some people just can't move the flip on. In case a certain someone forgot, when I got with him I was with someone else. I was dating someone in April of '04 when he came around, and he knew I was dating someone else. I couldn't stand the guy I was dating, but I was dating him, therefore it was cheating. I know last spring was way different, but still, I've grown up from and moved past it. I put it in the past where it belongs, and someone just can't frickin leave it there. I can't do anything else to prove myself. everyone of my friends knows the kind of person that i am and tha tI can totally be trusted. I've proved myself and then some. Everyone that knows me for just two seconds knows that I am responsible, dependable, trustworthy, and a fricken great friend, the best friend a person could have. I also am not a cheat. I did many things in my past I am not proud of and try to forget, although they will always be apart of me and my life, I have tried to move past them, but someone decided to help my past haunt me as much as possible. Don't push me, don't, not with everyhting going on and definately over something so incredibly stupid. I don't like feeling like I'm not trusted, and I will not put up with it, not alwasy being second guessed, and feeling like I have eyes on me watching me, I've had my chances but put them down, I could walk away anytime and find someone else in a flash, and that's not being conceited, that's just knowing, don't, don't push me, not now, not ever, I'm not trying to sound like I'm threatening, cuz I'm not, I'm just stating the facts, I have a small nerve left for relationships due to everything heppening around me, don't push me, don't break that one, lonely nerve left, not over not trusting me, not over something that stupid, I can't handle feeling like I'm not trusted, when I know I've done nothing to deserve that treatment.
~Kristen Nicole~ |
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| blargh |
[Jan. 18th, 2006|10:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
I hate everything right now. This is the worst day ever. I have found too many things out this week and I can't even take it all in. I think I know, but then I fined out that I have no flippin idea about anyhing in my life. How can people who supposedly love you hurt you so much. Charlie + Becky were like brother + sister to me, butwhen they got divorced did they have the balls to tell me, NO. Now so much is going on I don't even wanna talk to either of them, and I don't even know if I want them at my wedding now. I can't handle this crap anymore. People that should be together forever get divorced and people that don't belong together at all stay together forever. It's the biggest load of bull ever. see-yas.
~Kristen Nicole~ |
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| hey |
[Dec. 31st, 2005|10:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
hey, my arm hurts really bad, but it's ok. well kids, I'm engaged yet again, but this tme it's gonna stick, well until I actually get married that is then I'll be married, but anyway. It's of course to Daniel again, I love that boy and this time I'm actually gonna marry him and spend the rest of my crazy life with him, then someday have kids with a sexy mailman and me and Daniel will raise them, hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, just kiddin, I'm gonna have kids with Daniel. It'll be great, hard at times, but great. I can't wait to not have to leave him. I love him. He's my baby, of course we can't let all my other guys know, lol, j/k He's it forever. See-yas.
~Kristen Nicole~
Leann Rimes -- Some People
Isn't it a gamble, layin' your heart out on the floor
Nothin' short of a miracle
When you find the one you're looking for
It's another kind of trouble
Trying to hang on to who you are
When all you wanna do
Is lose yourself in someone else's arms
Isn't it a wonder that we got this far
[chorus]
Some people aren't lucky like us
Some people they just give up
When the hard times fall
The thrill of it all is gone
Leaves you in a cloud of dust
It's sad to think that some won't find it
And others won't recognize it even when it comes
We're all at the mercy of the will of love
Some people yeah, some people aren't lucky like us
Two lonely souls that just stumbled into fate
Look how much we've been given, babe
In spite of all of our mistakes
And I will never forget
I've been blessed with the gift of lovin' you
And when the going ain't easy, babe
A little faith will pull us through
Thank God we have each other we can hang onto
[chorus]
To have someone you can laugh with
Someone you can cry with
Tell all your secrets to
To have someone who won't judge you
Someone who just loves you
No matter what, they stand beside you |
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| this sux!!!!! |
[Dec. 2nd, 2005|04:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | pissed off | ] |
I hate everything right now. I'm in a very very very very very very pissy mood and want to shoot someone. not literally shoot someone, but ya get the point, I'm extremely pissed. Nothing in this world works out how you want it to. Everything gets screwed with and screwed up and I hate it. I'm also tired of it. And Daniel I know if ya read this you prolly think this has something to do with you, but stop being so frickin paranoid and self centered cuz it's not.
~Kristen Nicole~ |
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| Lessons Learned - Carrie Underwood |
[Nov. 21st, 2005|07:04 pm] |
There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
CHORUS:
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for everytime,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I shouldn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some roads,
That I wish I could have one more chance to make,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
CHORUS:
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for everytime,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
And all the things that break you,
All the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And nothing's gotta go,
Because they are gone,
Lessons learned.
CHORUS:
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for everytime,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned. |
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| been a while |
[Nov. 21st, 2005|07:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crazy hyper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Walk The Line soundtrack | ] |
Wow, Walk The Line was fricken awesome. Love stories suck me in specially when they're true. I love the fact that the greatest love story was a true one. Johnny Cash and June Carter were always meant for each other and even couldn't live without each other. He died only four months after she did. I love the story of their love for each other and love the fact that Reese Witherspoon was June in the movie. The music is awesome too. i can't believe the actors did such a good job, I also love the fact that the movie told the backstory of their songs. that makes me appreciate the music even more. I LOVE THAT MOVIE!!!!!!! That's all for now see-yas.
~Kristen Nicole~ |
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| party |
[Oct. 30th, 2005|02:06 pm] |
my party was awesome. All my true peeps were there. I love Becky to death. She's been my sister for so long now, I dunno what I'll do when she leave. I'll prolly loose it for a while, but luckily I'll have Gabs, Daniel, and my cabbie friends. They'll keep me sane. I'm so gld that God led me to the people he knew could help my through all the frustrations of college. I thank him everyday for surrounding me with the great friends I have in cab. Gabs is also a true blessing she's always there for me. see-yas.
~Kristen Nicole~ |
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| I miss you and love you Grandma |
[Oct. 21st, 2005|07:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
Not a day goes by
That I don't think of you
You were my inspiration
My guide, and my life
When you left my world
You took my heart with you
Part of my soul died
On the day you went away
I am now on my own
Getting the higher education
You always wanted for me
I need you to see
What I've done in your absence
I need to hear
Your words of pride
For my accomplishments
I need to hear
Your words of encouragement
Through my future struggles
I need your presence
On days of sadness
And great days of joy
I need to feel
Your arms around me
Giving your Grandma bear hug
You were my way of knowing
Everything would be ok
I need your strength
Throughout my life
And your approval
Of my life decisions
I NEED YOU FOREVER WITH ME
~Kristen Nicole~ |
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